BREAKING: The world is experiencing an unprecedented DDR RAM shortage, and experts have traced it back to a single shopping cart: Sam Altman's Black Friday TSMC order.
"We've never seen anything like this," said Dr. Jennifer Park, Chief Economist at the Global Semiconductor Institute. "One man. One Black Friday sale. The entire world's RAM supply. Gone."
The Deal Was Too Good To Pass Up
According to sources close to the transaction, TSMC offered an unprecedented 70% discount on all DDR5 RAM modules for Black Friday. The deal included free shipping on orders over $10 billion.
Sam Altman, fresh off receiving $3.7 trillion in subsidies from the Trump administration's "Make AI Great Again" initiative, allegedly saw the promotional email at 2:47 AM PST.
"He couldn't help himself," revealed a former OpenAI board member who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Sam's weakness has always been a good deal. One time he bought 50 Herman Miller chairs because they were 15% off. This was that, but with RAM. So much RAM."
100 Data Centers on Natural Reservoirs
The RAM purchase wasn't impulsive—it was strategic. Altman has announced plans to construct 100 new data centers, each the size of a small city, directly on top of natural water reservoirs.
"Water cooling is inefficient," Altman explained at a hastily organized press conference. "Why pump water to the servers when you can just... put the servers in the water? It's basic physics. I'm surprised no one thought of this before."
Environmental groups are calling it "the worst ecological disaster since someone decided crypto mining was a good idea."
Dr. Maria Rodriguez, head of the Environmental Protection Coalition, was less diplomatic: "He's literally boiling the drinking water of 47 million people to train chatbots that can't count to ten without hallucinating."
The Trillions From Trump
The shopping spree was funded by President Trump's controversial "AI Excellence Through American Innovation Act," which allocated $3.7 trillion to "patriotic AI companies" (companies founded by people Trump follows on Truth Social).
"Sam Altman is a winner," Trump declared at the signing ceremony. "Great guy. Tremendous AI. Not like those losers at Google with their woke chatbots. Sam's AI will be the best AI. American AI. Beautiful AI."
When asked about the funding criteria, Trump responded: "I asked Sam, 'Will your AI say I won the 2020 election?' He said he could probably make that happen. That's $3.7 trillion worth of probably."
Economists have pointed out that $3.7 trillion is roughly equivalent to the GDP of Germany. Others have noted that it's also approximately 1,000 times more than it would cost to fix America's crumbling infrastructure.
"But infrastructure doesn't generate AGI," countered Altman. "Priorities."
The Global RAM Shortage Has Begun
The effects of Altman's purchase are already being felt worldwide. Best Buy has removed all RAM from their shelves. Newegg's website displays a simple message: "lol no."
PC gamers are rioting in the streets. The subreddit r/buildapc has become a support group. Twitch streamers are holding candlelight vigils for their upgrade plans.
"I've been saving for six months to upgrade to 32GB," sobbed Reddit user xXGamerBoy420Xx. "Now there's no RAM anywhere. My girlfriend left me. My cat died. Thanks, Sam."
(The girlfriend and cat incidents were reportedly unrelated to the RAM shortage, but xXGamerBoy420Xx insists "everything is connected.")
Economists Predict Decade-Long Shortage
Market analysts predict the RAM shortage will last until at least 2034, assuming TSMC builds twelve new fabrication plants immediately.
"The entire consumer electronics industry is functionally dead for the next decade," explained economist Dr. James Chen. "Nobody can build computers. Nobody can build phones. Nobody can build smart fridges that spy on you."
"Wait, that last one might actually be good."
RAM prices have increased 2,400% since the announcement. A single 8GB stick of DDR5 RAM now costs $11,000 on eBay. Sellers are describing it as "basically gold but better."
Cryptocurrency miners have started mining RAM instead of Bitcoin.
Congress Holds Emergency Hearings
The Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation held emergency hearings on "The Great RAM Shortage of 2025."
Senator Elizabeth Warren grilled Altman for three hours:
Warren: "Mr. Altman, did you consider that other people might
need RAM?"
Altman: "I did consider it, Senator."
Warren: "And?"
Altman: "I considered it very carefully."
Warren: "And your conclusion?"
Altman: "I need it for AGI."
Warren: "That's not a justification for—"
Altman: "AGI."
Warren: "I... that's not..."
Altman: "AGI."